BREATHE. That is what I tell myself on days like today. In moods of this mind.
I am feeling drained. Mentally and emotionally spent. Lately, every time I close my eyes be it for a nap or a full nights sleep, my dreams are filled with tears. Not quiet gentle sobs but gut wrenching howls. Other visions appear, float in and float out but they do not stay in my waking mind. I do not see why I cry so sorrowfully. Who or what my sub-conscious grieves for but I stir more tired than when I lay down.
In my day to day life at the moment I am struggling to handle this thing called living, on my own, that much I do know. Yes there is much I am grateful for but right now I crave support like I have never craved it before. The mundane and the day to day things seem such a burden, an effort. What I would give to come home and find dinner cooked or the washing done. To have someone say “hey you looked tired, I’ll go to the supermarket, you put your feet up.” That to me would be heaven right now and mean more than anything in the world. I don’t want someone to carry my load for me but I need someone to walk beside.
I am not entirely sure what the perfect day for me would be in this moment but I know that it would end with coming home and being greeted with a smile, a hug & a kiss. A night curled up on the couch and just feeling that person’s warmth wrapped around me. No heavy or deep conversation, just the simplicity, the ease and comfort of being together, sensing the heart beat and drifting off to sleep. Knowing someone had my back that is what I need in my life more than anything else currently.
Yes I have friends, good friends but like all relationships, I believe there is only folly to be found in expecting one person, one relationship to deliver all your needs, even the close, personal intimate relationships. I have never been a subscriber to that Hollywood line “you complete me.” No I don’t have family the way others do, so I go about much of my life on my own and mixed with my good friends I go okay but not lately. Lately being on my own sucks and all the good friendships in the world are not enough. Being single is hard work and I am tired of it. I miss that I don’t mean something to somebody. I miss not being able to love someone and I miss holding hands.
I am feeling drained. Mentally and emotionally spent. Lately, every time I close my eyes be it for a nap or a full nights sleep, my dreams are filled with tears. Not quiet gentle sobs but gut wrenching howls. Other visions appear, float in and float out but they do not stay in my waking mind. I do not see why I cry so sorrowfully. Who or what my sub-conscious grieves for but I stir more tired than when I lay down.
In my day to day life at the moment I am struggling to handle this thing called living, on my own, that much I do know. Yes there is much I am grateful for but right now I crave support like I have never craved it before. The mundane and the day to day things seem such a burden, an effort. What I would give to come home and find dinner cooked or the washing done. To have someone say “hey you looked tired, I’ll go to the supermarket, you put your feet up.” That to me would be heaven right now and mean more than anything in the world. I don’t want someone to carry my load for me but I need someone to walk beside.
I am not entirely sure what the perfect day for me would be in this moment but I know that it would end with coming home and being greeted with a smile, a hug & a kiss. A night curled up on the couch and just feeling that person’s warmth wrapped around me. No heavy or deep conversation, just the simplicity, the ease and comfort of being together, sensing the heart beat and drifting off to sleep. Knowing someone had my back that is what I need in my life more than anything else currently.
Yes I have friends, good friends but like all relationships, I believe there is only folly to be found in expecting one person, one relationship to deliver all your needs, even the close, personal intimate relationships. I have never been a subscriber to that Hollywood line “you complete me.” No I don’t have family the way others do, so I go about much of my life on my own and mixed with my good friends I go okay but not lately. Lately being on my own sucks and all the good friendships in the world are not enough. Being single is hard work and I am tired of it. I miss that I don’t mean something to somebody. I miss not being able to love someone and I miss holding hands.
i can't tell you how many times i have felt exactly like this. it sucks. it's all you can do to hold it together until it (hopefully) passes.. until next time, when you go through it all again.
ReplyDeleteit's awful.
sorry, i should be more encouraging, but i know exactly where you're coming from. just have to believe your karma's better than that, and the world works on its own time schedule, and everything will be perfect and perfectly timed, in the end.
and then can you remind me of that too?
:)x
The lonliness sneaks up on you, despite your precautions and when you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could offer you words of support here.
But I don't have those words either.
I hear you.
ReplyDeleteNo one 'other' will complete you, but society expects it of us.
I have a wonderful 'other', and then I have the 'other' who truly holds my soul in his hands.
And every day I, too , want to weep.
For my 'perfect' life.