Breathe

BREATHE. That is what I tell myself on days like today. In moods of this mind.

I am feeling drained. Mentally and emotionally spent. Lately, every time I close my eyes be it for a nap or a full nights sleep, my dreams are filled with tears. Not quiet gentle sobs but gut wrenching howls. Other visions appear, float in and float out but they do not stay in my waking mind. I do not see why I cry so sorrowfully. Who or what my sub-conscious grieves for but I stir more tired than when I lay down.

In my day to day life at the moment I am struggling to handle this thing called living, on my own, that much I do know. Yes there is much I am grateful for but right now I crave support like I have never craved it before. The mundane and the day to day things seem such a burden, an effort. What I would give to come home and find dinner cooked or the washing done. To have someone say “hey you looked tired, I’ll go to the supermarket, you put your feet up.” That to me would be heaven right now and mean more than anything in the world. I don’t want someone to carry my load for me but I need someone to walk beside.

I am not entirely sure what the perfect day for me would be in this moment but I know that it would end with coming home and being greeted with a smile, a hug & a kiss. A night curled up on the couch and just feeling that person’s warmth wrapped around me. No heavy or deep conversation, just the simplicity, the ease and comfort of being together, sensing the heart beat and drifting off to sleep. Knowing someone had my back that is what I need in my life more than anything else currently.

Yes I have friends, good friends but like all relationships, I believe there is only folly to be found in expecting one person, one relationship to deliver all your needs, even the close, personal intimate relationships. I have never been a subscriber to that Hollywood line “you complete me.” No I don’t have family the way others do, so I go about much of my life on my own and mixed with my good friends I go okay but not lately. Lately being on my own sucks and all the good friendships in the world are not enough. Being single is hard work and I am tired of it. I miss that I don’t mean something to somebody. I miss not being able to love someone and I miss holding hands.

A Ramble

It has been months since I posted anything and tonight I sit here a little melancholy, a little reflective. I don't want to stay here in this mood, it is okay to visit for a short time and often the quickest way back out for me is to share, so here I am.

This year has been a big year for me and members of my family. Yesterday was the memoriam of my fathers passing – 17 years since without so much as a goodbye, he left this lifetime. His sudden departure turned many a world up side down, including mine. 1992 was big year, a heartbreaking year in my life. Just prior to the fathers passing I lost the man who I had wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. I had not been home in eight years and I had not seen my father in seven. So it was time to go home. I needed to heal from my loss and somehow seeing my dad I thought would help. Without telling anyone what I was doing, I packed up my life in central Australia, got a plane to Sydney, spent a week re-acquainting myself with a big city and then hoped on a bigger plane and flew home. I had a month of sitting in the garden with my dad and talking and just being. The morning I left to fly back to Australia he was emotional, we hugged for a long time, six weeks later he was gone and I was back on a plane heading home again this time to bury him. I have never been so thankful that I got my shit together and had that time with him. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge since his passing and it is fair to say that something’s would never have occurred if he had not gone so soon, so quickly. The first year after losing him I was a mess.

I arrived back in Sydney on the New Years Eve. I have had some very dark days in my life but none compare to the nightmare I lived through for the next 12 months. To be rejected my the man I had invested in so fully and to then lose the other most important man in my life just a few short months later was hell. Looking back, I can say now, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Those events pushed me right to the edge and in doing so I started to make changes, big changes, changes that have taken years to put into effect.

I sit here today a stronger, better person thanks to those life altering events and in the some of my thoughtful moments this past few days I have been remembering a few of the poems I wrote about that time. Sadly much of them are only accessible on a back up disc that I do not have operating software for but I did find this; written about the day I turned up unannounced:

The Journey Home

I was up at 5am
To start the journey home
This trip, it’s been along time coming
Eight years since I was home

My suitcase weighs in under
My heart ways in heavy with my mind
A friend gives me a hug
Wishes me luck
For she knows that this is hard
Hardest thing I have even done
I board the plane and wave goodbye
Though know one knows I am coming home today

The flight is long
Seconds pass like hours
The man sitting next to me
Keeps trying to make small talk
But mind is going home

I stare out the window and into the sky
When there she is before me
Aotearoa – the most beautiful sight I have ever seen

Customs takes my passport
And looks suspiciously at me
Then they laugh at how I’ve changed
As someone hands it back to me
A voice says welcome home

Connecting flight is late
I am nervous and wait impatiently
Though know one knows I am coming home today
I hope they have not gone out for tea

Next flight arrives
I board eagerly
Then stare out the window in pure delight
My old home town is in my sight
I wonder how it has changed

Touch down
Home town
This is not easy

A cabbie takes my bags
And inquires about my flight
But 12 more k’s and I am home
It’s all I can think about

We pass through town
And all is see are changes
And unfamiliar scenery

My heart is in my throat
Tears are in my eyes
As he pulls that taxi up the drive

My mother is in the garden
She shrieks in total surprise
She cannot believe it is me
But neither can I

We hug, we laugh, we cry
And then I run inside
There is one person I am here to see especially
And there he is standing before me
I smile and look into those eyes

He has aged since I last saw him
But time has been kind
He drops what he is holding
And reaches out for me
It’s been seven years since he held me
And I will never forget that smile
That was in my fathers eyes

On the night of the day
I was up at 5am
To start the journey home



= / = / = / = / = / =


And then there is this poem, incomplete here, for I cannot find or remember the opening verses. I do remember where I was when I wrote it, what I was thinking and feeling at the time. Those changes I mentioned above were starting to occur and even though I was on my way out of the darkness and grief I was feeling very uncertian.


……………
You would listen
You would try to understand
I know you’d respect me
For what it is
I am trying so hard to make a life out of
And I know you wouldn’t laugh
Or think I was strange
For the things that I believe in

If you where here today
You would tell me I have only one life
So go out and live it
The best way you can
The way that you believe in
You would tell me not to listen to others
And that I am fine just as I am

But you aren’t here
You left this world
Two years ago today
You are on the other side now
Looking down and doing all you can
You see and hear my tears of frustration
You sense my worries and fears
I guess you are more on my side now
Than you ever were before
So all I can do is pray
That you’ll help me all you can
Just as I know you will and would have
If you were here today
I Love you Dad.

Waiting

I am waiting
I know that I should not but I am
Have you captured my imagination and solitude
A game I play with boundaries I set I now wish to cross

More than distance of miles
I cannot reach out and touch you
Nor steal a look from your eyes
Seeking what thoughts traverse your mind

Searching history of conversations
For snippets, for evidence
A key, any key that might open a door

Rational, logical mind says foolish
And I want to return to indifference
Is this just a thrill of a chase
Filling a void of unwanted seclusion

Your are my iniquitous secret
Only one other knows of you existence
And they partially a stranger too
Oh what tenuous and veiled lines we can dance

There is an arousing of feeling
Emotions are starting to turn
I crave the safety, the warmth of apathy
And I laugh to myself as read those words
Such imprudence really – apathy
Not an emotion or feeling common to me

And in that does there sit my answer
That this diversion I found would not release me
Only twist and entangle me
Aloofness, detachment and objectivity –
Required tools for a game
Maybe I should not have ever commenced

And so for now
I sit and I wait