Families from my experience are always are a complicated dynamic. You take a group of people each with our own strengths and weaknesses, good and bad personality traits and mix it all together over time and life events. Adding in what I call the emotional genetics of both parents families past and you end up with this assembly of souls who operate in the world based a lot on how all those ingredients have been fused together.
Some families manage to function and operate well together regardless of life’s ups and downs and each individual’s short comings and strengths. Somehow, someway a bond is formed and no matter what at the end of the day when all is said done, you know that your family have your back, your best interests at heart and that even with all their dysfunctions and eccentricities there is room for love, forgiveness, understanding, support and most importantly respect. Sure they might driving you screaming mad but you know who you are and where you stand because of your family, because you are part of family.
Sadly not all families come together well. Somewhere along the line, something happens. I am not sure what but that unit, that collective group of people bound by blood and genetics brings out the worst and the hardest lessons of life. They take us to the edge and not in a good way. We crawl out on the limb of life only to look back and see the trunk we thought solid, sheltering us and supporting us is not really there. We are on are own. I come from one of those families. It is tough lesson to accept and absorb and on many days it breaks my heart. I have lived for many years now knowing what my family are. The depths to which they are capable of when it comes to disloyalty, lies, secrets, disrespect and the general failure to be able to love on some level all that is unique about each and everyone of us that makes a family.
I nearly drowned in the depth of not only their denial but my own, however something in me refused to me become another soul lost in our dysfunctional dynamic. The voice in my head that cried out “I do not want to be like them” got too loud and I grew to weary for one still young, from the games, so I decided to change. I rocked the boat, refused to sweep things under the carpet and pretend that certain things never happened. I spoke the secrets, broke the silence, questioned the past, asked the hard questions and confronted the denial. They branded me “that bloody girl” and shook their heads at me. “What good can come of all this” they asked. “Can’t you just leave the past alone, why do you have to do this?” my mother wrote.
It was not an easy or quick decision to break ties from my mother and brother, to cut them from my life but I knew that my survival depended on it. It has been many years now since I last spoke to them or had anything to do with them. My two sisters I stay in touch with but deliberately and intentionally I have kept them at arms length. Talking infrequently with them, not sharing the big stuff and seeing them only occasionally. It took me many years to find peace within me about my family and all the while I knew in the background one day it was possible the biggest secret and so called shame of our family might come walking back through the door. I thought that that secret coming to the surface, showing its face in the light of day would be what broke the few worn and strained threads of what was left of our family. I was wrong.
A couple of months ago, one Sunday night my phone rang. There was urgency in its tone and when I picked it up and heard my sister (Dee) on the other end of line my heart stopped. In a second my mind reeled and I expected her to tell me my mother was on her last breaths and was I sure, one last time that I did not want to see her. Again I was wrong. My sister broke. She cried and wailed for three hours down the phone that night. Betrayal, secrets and disloyalty. I knew it well and whilst part of me was not surprised that once again my kin had turned on kin I did not think that of all the people to break it would be Dee. But broken she is, shattered. Her world and what she knew gone within the space of 48 hours. Every barrier and wall ripped away from her. Every emotion and obligation she has controlled for so many years in pieces lying on the floor beside her denial.
My heart bled for her. I cried with her and felt her anger. Yes I confess it would have been easy to tell her “well what did you expect” and hang up the phone leaving her deal with it all on her own. In my mind it would have been simple to justify; no one had backed me all those years ago so why should I stand beside her now. I also knew that once it got out Dee had turned to me it would only serve to feed the repercussions and bullshit that was coming from rest of the family. I would be blamed for putting thoughts in her head and encouraging her in all the wrong ways. So for maybe two minutes I ran that round my head on that night and then I threw myself off one of those metaphorical cliffs that appear from time to time. I extended my hand to Dee, with my heart and my life. I opened up the door that is me to Dee and invited her in. All the while knowing full well it was possible it could all get thrown back in my face but I decided not to care. It was worth the risk and if one more person in this crazy screwed up family of mine had a chance to find freedom and peace and honesty of self and life then it was worth whatever was coming at me.
And so it has gone these last two months. There is a part of me that is very vulnerable and raw right now. I have learned it is easier being out there on the outer rim on your own, safer. Part of me is uncomfortable and unsure now that I have company. But Dee will make her own way, her own place, just as I did. It needs to be different to mine for she has a daughter (Hegs) to consider and protect. Hegs’ is it, she is the last, the one and only next generation of my direct family. (Well that’s not entirely true but we won’t go there today). So now more than ever I need to live me life as I choose, with conscious thought and intent.
But more than anything I want to say this: Embrace your family if you can. Find the time to talk the hard stuff. Make room in your life and your world for the past, not be afraid of it. Yep your sisters and brothers might be wacko and you might not get them but if their only difference is that they do not see life the way you do but are still at the end of the day a decent human being then get up and put your arm around them. I suspect it far easier to deal with one generation of issues than it is to deal with several that have been twisted with bitterness and hate and wars and god knows what else over far to many years because the primary operating gene is fear. Take the time to get know who your kin really are, hold close their uniqueness, love them because they are not like you and walk by side them in honesty. Do not let a horrid past breed into more generations and when life takes a shot at them get in there, get off the fence and stand beside them. The price being paid is too high in my family and it is wrong, pure and simple – wrong.
Some families manage to function and operate well together regardless of life’s ups and downs and each individual’s short comings and strengths. Somehow, someway a bond is formed and no matter what at the end of the day when all is said done, you know that your family have your back, your best interests at heart and that even with all their dysfunctions and eccentricities there is room for love, forgiveness, understanding, support and most importantly respect. Sure they might driving you screaming mad but you know who you are and where you stand because of your family, because you are part of family.
Sadly not all families come together well. Somewhere along the line, something happens. I am not sure what but that unit, that collective group of people bound by blood and genetics brings out the worst and the hardest lessons of life. They take us to the edge and not in a good way. We crawl out on the limb of life only to look back and see the trunk we thought solid, sheltering us and supporting us is not really there. We are on are own. I come from one of those families. It is tough lesson to accept and absorb and on many days it breaks my heart. I have lived for many years now knowing what my family are. The depths to which they are capable of when it comes to disloyalty, lies, secrets, disrespect and the general failure to be able to love on some level all that is unique about each and everyone of us that makes a family.
I nearly drowned in the depth of not only their denial but my own, however something in me refused to me become another soul lost in our dysfunctional dynamic. The voice in my head that cried out “I do not want to be like them” got too loud and I grew to weary for one still young, from the games, so I decided to change. I rocked the boat, refused to sweep things under the carpet and pretend that certain things never happened. I spoke the secrets, broke the silence, questioned the past, asked the hard questions and confronted the denial. They branded me “that bloody girl” and shook their heads at me. “What good can come of all this” they asked. “Can’t you just leave the past alone, why do you have to do this?” my mother wrote.
It was not an easy or quick decision to break ties from my mother and brother, to cut them from my life but I knew that my survival depended on it. It has been many years now since I last spoke to them or had anything to do with them. My two sisters I stay in touch with but deliberately and intentionally I have kept them at arms length. Talking infrequently with them, not sharing the big stuff and seeing them only occasionally. It took me many years to find peace within me about my family and all the while I knew in the background one day it was possible the biggest secret and so called shame of our family might come walking back through the door. I thought that that secret coming to the surface, showing its face in the light of day would be what broke the few worn and strained threads of what was left of our family. I was wrong.
A couple of months ago, one Sunday night my phone rang. There was urgency in its tone and when I picked it up and heard my sister (Dee) on the other end of line my heart stopped. In a second my mind reeled and I expected her to tell me my mother was on her last breaths and was I sure, one last time that I did not want to see her. Again I was wrong. My sister broke. She cried and wailed for three hours down the phone that night. Betrayal, secrets and disloyalty. I knew it well and whilst part of me was not surprised that once again my kin had turned on kin I did not think that of all the people to break it would be Dee. But broken she is, shattered. Her world and what she knew gone within the space of 48 hours. Every barrier and wall ripped away from her. Every emotion and obligation she has controlled for so many years in pieces lying on the floor beside her denial.
My heart bled for her. I cried with her and felt her anger. Yes I confess it would have been easy to tell her “well what did you expect” and hang up the phone leaving her deal with it all on her own. In my mind it would have been simple to justify; no one had backed me all those years ago so why should I stand beside her now. I also knew that once it got out Dee had turned to me it would only serve to feed the repercussions and bullshit that was coming from rest of the family. I would be blamed for putting thoughts in her head and encouraging her in all the wrong ways. So for maybe two minutes I ran that round my head on that night and then I threw myself off one of those metaphorical cliffs that appear from time to time. I extended my hand to Dee, with my heart and my life. I opened up the door that is me to Dee and invited her in. All the while knowing full well it was possible it could all get thrown back in my face but I decided not to care. It was worth the risk and if one more person in this crazy screwed up family of mine had a chance to find freedom and peace and honesty of self and life then it was worth whatever was coming at me.
And so it has gone these last two months. There is a part of me that is very vulnerable and raw right now. I have learned it is easier being out there on the outer rim on your own, safer. Part of me is uncomfortable and unsure now that I have company. But Dee will make her own way, her own place, just as I did. It needs to be different to mine for she has a daughter (Hegs) to consider and protect. Hegs’ is it, she is the last, the one and only next generation of my direct family. (Well that’s not entirely true but we won’t go there today). So now more than ever I need to live me life as I choose, with conscious thought and intent.
But more than anything I want to say this: Embrace your family if you can. Find the time to talk the hard stuff. Make room in your life and your world for the past, not be afraid of it. Yep your sisters and brothers might be wacko and you might not get them but if their only difference is that they do not see life the way you do but are still at the end of the day a decent human being then get up and put your arm around them. I suspect it far easier to deal with one generation of issues than it is to deal with several that have been twisted with bitterness and hate and wars and god knows what else over far to many years because the primary operating gene is fear. Take the time to get know who your kin really are, hold close their uniqueness, love them because they are not like you and walk by side them in honesty. Do not let a horrid past breed into more generations and when life takes a shot at them get in there, get off the fence and stand beside them. The price being paid is too high in my family and it is wrong, pure and simple – wrong.
Families are one of those difficulties in life. They're not always good for you, and you don't always get along, but they'll always be your family. Unfortunately you don't choose your gene pool.
ReplyDeleteI think you did a wonderful thing being there for your sister, Soul Owl. In the years to come, I am sure the both of you will look upon that moment with pride and a fondness, realising it was where your relationship really started to grow and mend.
One thing I will say to you though is that people will always hurt/disappoint you, whether they mean to or not. If anything does happen with Dee, try to remember that.
The "why bring up the past?" question is always the interesting one.
ReplyDeleteSo many families are determined to keep up appearances -, not air their dirty laundry in public, whatever you want to call it.
So, between that and now the Hollywood influence, we get an idealised notion of what families are supposed to be like, and how parents and siblings are supposed to act.
It breeds resentment then, when they don't act the way we think they should. Hence "that bloody girl" that stirs up trouble.
Be there for your sister, Owl. But don't stop stirring up "trouble", if that's what they brand it. Because, even if you can't be true to your family, you need to be true to yourself and your principles.
you kind of have to believe in reincarnation for what i'm about to say but even if you don't, maybe it will just be an interesting p.o.v...
ReplyDeletei believe we choose our families - we choose what souls we want to hang with in this life in a way that we know is going to teach us something and further us on the path.
you might be thinking "why would i choose such a hard bunch of ingrates then?" but (and i'm only getting this from the little i know of you through your writing) it sounds like you chose them to teach you something profound, and i think you've finally learnt it. That's a good thing - means you don't have to do it again! And maybe they chose you so they could see firsthand what their great potential can be.
it sounds like you've focused on the positive gains you've made from going through some pretty bad times with them - that's a brilliant shining jewel right there.
i'm a bit loopy in that when i read something like this, filled with heartache and pain, the feeling i get is overwhelmingly positive. For some reason I see beautiful lessons being learnt, and a soul climbing a little higher to perfection.
Hi Soul Owl and others. I like what I read here.
ReplyDeleteYou write about upheaval and emotions, discussion, love and forgiveness.
You have probably read some of what I've written (in various places) about my own journey. If you have been reading for a while you have probably witnessed some of my journey first hand. Over the years I have been victim, aggressor, bully and bullied, reactive, proactive, kind, articulate and ham-fisted. Some things I have done I am incredibly proud of and others - well - not so much. I've tried lots and lots of hats on in the last few years and listened to lots of people's opinions about those hats. It wore me down, made me sad because not everybody liked my hats and some people even pretended to like them and then punished me later on.
So I took that hats off and found the little, sad person cringing inside, wanting to be ok.
We all have that person and we all select different ways of protecting him/her. Racism, sexism, any discrimination is one way to protect that person. "You are not ok therefore I am."
When it's our family we are often even more judgemental, anxious lest we take on traits that may be unattractive.
I'm proud that you Soul Owl, supported your sister when she took off her hats and I'm also impressed that you were the person she chose. I'm concerned for you too, because it's a heavy burdon to carry. The only person I talk freely with is a professional health care provider, the only person in my life that I can rely on to guide me but not to judge me.
I have learned that not judging yourself and not judging other people are the first steps to dealing with the judgement of others. A kind of universal acceptance is important.
You must be a remarkable person to know Soul Owl, I think you have shown great depth of character and good luck with your family.
Little Coffee (I don't know how to work the damn "comment as" thingy)